Topic: The Porn Talk  – Daily Devotional By Desiringgod Ministry – John Piper Ministry  25 September   2023

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The Porn Talk

Nine Ways Parents Can Lead Children

Pornography is not new. Archeological discoveries testify that fascination with sexual portrayals is nearly as old as humanity. Yet our times present new challenges. Technological advancements coupled with moral corrosion are increasing the accessibility and normality of pornography at a dizzying rate. This poses a tremendous threat (and opportunity) for parents. We are raising children in a more pornographic world.

Roughly three thousand years ago, a father wisely spoke to his sons about the same ultimate dangers our children face today. Pornography was not as prevalent, but sexual temptation abounded. So, Solomon spent precious time talking with his sons about the dangers and delights of sexuality. I’m convinced his wisdom is still applicable to us today as we lead our sons and daughters. What follows is not a full-scale parenting plan, but nine principles to consider as we parent in a pornified age.

1. Cultivate the conversation.

Whether you like it or not, the world is having a sexualized conversation with your children. As parents, we aim to not be like Adam, who stood by as the serpent threatened his family (Genesis 3:6). Rather, we engage our children in conversation about all topics — including sex and pornography. Throughout Proverbs, Solomon models this initiative. Right at the outset, he says, “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching” (Proverbs 1:8). Solomon repeats the call no less than 25 times in the book. He has an ever-evolving conversation with his son about every arena of life.

Satan wants you to feel uncomfortable talking with your kids about intimate issues. Don’t let him deceive you. Children are hardwired to desire parental care and leadership. They are grateful when their parents lovingly engage in conversations about the blessings and dangers of life. So, wise parents set a tone in the home that encourages and rewards open, honest, ongoing dialogue.

“Wise parents set a tone in the home that encourages and rewards open, honest, ongoing dialogue.”

The more you have normal conversations with your children about sex, the easier it becomes to have serious ones. Talk about sex as you would talk about other significant life topics. When they ask questions, answer them honestly and appropriately. This eases awkwardness and builds rapport in preparation for the serious conversations you know are coming. Solomon revisited the subject with his sons four times in the first seven chapters of Proverbs. This suggests that ongoing conversations are more natural than one or two big scheduled meetings.

As your children grow, the tenor and content will develop as well. Speak with younger children about appreciating beauty, protecting private parts, God’s design for sex, and knowing the difference between good pictures and bad pictures. Introducing these topics early will pave the way for more thorough conversations in the future. Reading the Bible from cover to cover as a family will provide no shortage of opportunities to talk about sex, temptation, and God’s help to deliver. Above all else, remember that God is a good Father who loves to give wisdom to his children when we ask (Luke 11:5–13). Solomon pled for wisdom to care for those under his leadership, and we must do the same (1 Kings 3:9; James 1:5).

2. Encourage honesty.

Telling the truth can be terrifying for children, especially when the truth involves sexual sin and temptation. Shame, fear, and awkwardness will tempt them to retreat and hide. Wise parents tenderly lead them down paths of truth in every area of life, including conversations about pornography.

Recently, a mother from our church shared that her son was shown porn by a friend at school. She was scared and didn’t know how to respond. While it was a sad moment, we celebrated the fact that her son brought the incident to her. He didn’t always tell the truth, but that time he did. Praise God.

Regularly ask age-appropriate questions about what your children are seeing online. For example:

• Have any friends or family members ever shown you inappropriate pictures?
• Have you ever accidentally seen inappropriate pictures or read inappropriate stories?
• Have you looked up anything you know might be wrong?

As you ask questions like these, assure them that no matter what, you’ll always love them. They may feel awkward, shameful, or fearful to tell the truth. Be patient with them and give them time to process. Open the door for them to come back to you anytime if they remember something they need to tell you.

If your children admit to looking at pornography, don’t shame them. Meet their honesty with appreciation. Thank them for being brave and talking with you. Ask if they have any questions they want to process with you. Spend time in prayer with them, asking God to protect and heal them. If your child gets caught looking at pornography and tries covering it up, remind him that people have been tempted to hide sin since the beginning (Genesis 3:7–8).

3. Guide their curiosity.

God created us to be curious. It is natural and good for children to consider their bodies, desires, and the words they hear. Parents do well to encourage curiosity and point children toward God’s beautiful design. At the same time, exploration can also be dangerous.

Satan wants to sabotage our curiosity and corrupt wholesome wonder with sinful investigation. He knows that early exposure to pornography or sexual experiences can deeply shape brain development and confuse affections. This is why we help our children “keep [their] heart with all vigilance” (Proverbs 4:23). This can happen with planned conversations, but most opportunities show up in daily life (Deuteronomy 6:6–7).

Years ago, our family passed a Victoria’s Secret store while walking through a shopping center. My children’s eyes were instinctively drawn to look at the pictures of nearly nude women hanging in the window. Without scolding them, my wife and I inquired, “Why do you think we were drawn to those pictures?” The encounter provided an opportunity to remind them that the reason we’re drawn to beauty is that God is beautiful, and we’re created to enjoy him (Psalm 27:4).

But Satan takes good things God created and twists them in a way that tempts us to look away from God. God created the women in the pictures to reflect his image and point people to him. But Satan tempted the models to misuse their beauty and tempted us to treat them like something to consume instead of someone to love.

Opportunities for instruction are endless. Parents can pray for God’s help to notice opportunities and to winsomely assure our children that curiosity is to be guided and guarded by God’s word. Curiosity that leads to celebrating God’s creative wonder is good, but sinful curiosity leads to great danger. We must teach them the difference.

4. Warn of danger.

Solomon soberly warns his son of sin’s dangers. He cautions him that following forbidden lovers will steal innocence, honor, reputation, health, livelihood, and even his very life (Proverbs 5:7–14). He who succumbs “destroys himself. He will get wounds and dishonor. . . . It will cost him his life” (Proverbs 6:32–33; 7:23).

So, we warn our sons and daughters. As they are being seduced by Satan, we warn them of his whispers. Do not minimize the danger of pornography: it is satanic discipleship.

“Do not minimize the danger of pornography: it is satanic discipleship.”

Satan uses pornography to awaken dark affections and hijack neurological development. Through porn, he trains us to demean others by seeing them as objects to consume rather than neighbors to love. He assures us that sexual desire is an appetite to satisfy instead of a gift to steward for the service of others. He wants to confuse our children about their own sexuality and identity. In short, pornography is poison for the soul.

Sin makes us slaves to our appetites. Solomon warns of what we call addiction when he says, “The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin” (Proverbs 5:22). Addiction dehumanizes us as we insanely overlook all reason to follow sin, just “as an ox goes to the slaughter” (Proverbs 7:22). So, with Solomon, we warn our children that revisiting sin produces patterns that feel impossible to stop.

The older a child becomes, the easier it will be to connect decisions with consequences. You may find ways to share consequences from your own life, from the lives of others around you, or from characters like David from the Scriptures. We can’t scare our children into being holy. But we must warn them of Satan’s prowling.

5. Woo with desire.

Rules and guardrails can aid our children’s battle against temptation, but no weapon is more powerful than appropriately oriented affections. Rules are intended to protect our passions by pointing them in the right direction. Solomon instructed his son to find sexual satisfaction in his wife: “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. . . . Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:18–19). Song of Solomon is filled with blush-inducing language. Why? Because God gladly gives the gift of sex for a husband and wife’s enjoyment.

Parents are to teach their children about God’s good designs. Assure them that God is the one who created intimacy, orgasms, and romantic affection. Remind them that in marriage, God has provided a place to enjoy and explore our sexual desires. The world offers our children a mirage of cotton-candy pleasures, but God’s designs are good and satisfying.

While directing desire toward a spouse is appropriate, desire’s ultimate aim goes further. Our children may never marry. Their spouse may become sick, and intimacy may be hindered. This is why our chief aim must be to delight in God. Jesus laid this hope before us when he said, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God” (Matthew 5:8). The deepest reason we resist temptation is so we can know and enjoy God. Teach your children to seek joy in God above all other pleasures.

6. Model the way.

Protecting your children happens as much by what you do as by what you say. Parents set the tone in the home by how they engage with entertainment. As Charles Spurgeon once said, “Train up a child in the way he should go — but be sure to go that way yourself.”

My kids know that my phone doesn’t do what their mom’s does. I don’t have social media apps, and I can’t search for everything they want me to. Why? My phone is locked down to help me honor Jesus. Every child has asked me why my phone is lame, and I’ve explained that not everything on the Internet is good for us and that I try to protect myself in ways mommy doesn’t need to because her sin struggles are different. God intends our daily visible devotion to him to provoke questions from others that open doors for us to share gospel truth (Exodus 12:26; 13:14; Deuteronomy 6:20).

The same is true when we sit down to watch a movie. My children know that we will screen any movie before we watch it. They have seen me pass on dozens of movies I’d like to watch because they contain unhelpful content. Reviewing song lyrics, apps, shows, and everything else we consume has become second nature for our children. By God’s grace, we’re cultivating a culture at home where stumbling into sin may still happen, but it will be harder because mom and dad have tried to model practical ways to avoid sin and pursue holiness.

Also Read:Open Heaven 25 September  2023– Topic: CLAIM HIS PEACE 

7. Put up protections.

The world is designed to make sinning easy and pursuing holiness hard. Intentional effort in protecting our children is essential to faithful parenting. Devices with screens should not be given to children without training, confirmation of maturity, and prayerful consideration. When the time comes, the stewardship should be soaked in Solomon’s warning, “Keep your way far from [temptation], and do not go near the door of her house” (Proverbs 5:8). But warning isn’t enough; we must also set up roadblocks to help them obey.

We currently have six layers of protection to slow the flow of smut into our home. A friend set up a DNS filter to protect our family’s Wi-Fi from explicit material. Parental controls are set on all devices. We removed the Internet browser from our Smart TV and gaming system. We installed monitoring and filtering software on all devices (we use Bark and Covenant Eyes). We use Clear Play on nearly every movie we watch. Passwords are required for all our children to download apps on their devices. These are all basic protections parents can consider using.

You may also need to set reminders to check your children’s devices and usage regularly. As your kids become more tech-savvy, ask them to help you protect their hearts from sin. Ask them to show you how they would get around protections you’ve set up and how to make them better. This conversation may take some work, but it sits near the heart of true parenting. We don’t want to only set up rules and guardrails; we want to do it together as we deepen our love for God and each other.

8. Encourage otherness.

Following Jesus will often put your children out of step with their peers. They will feel “other” in a way that will be hard for them and for you. Parents desire their children to have friends and be liked by others. But we know that some relationships can corrupt and hinder their walk with Jesus (Proverbs 1:15–16; 13:20; 1 Corinthians 15:33). At times, their “otherness” will feel oppressive and shackling. They’ll miss out on shows everyone is talking about. Sleepovers at friends’ houses will happen without them. Trends will come and go, and they won’t join in. They’ll be left off threads and overlooked on guest lists. At times, they’ll feel invisible.

Parents, help them embrace their otherness. Following Jesus on the narrow road is always costly (Matthew 7:13–14; Luke 9:23–25), and they will need your help to trust that true joy is found in loving Christ, not in being loved by the world (John 15:11). If you’re a Christian, you know how hard the struggle can be. Share how you’ve trusted Jesus in costly times. God can use the tears and late-night conversations to cultivate depth of character. They are being shaped into young men and women who will enter the world of television, the Internet, locker rooms, friendships, and the workplace with integrity formed in the crucible of otherness.

This is also a unique opportunity to help them discover the preciousness of the church. God’s people need one another to make their pilgrim journey through this dark world. Pray for your children to develop godly friendships, and search for ways your local church can help your children grow in godliness.

9. Give them Jesus.

If your children make it through high school without seeing pornography, it will be a miracle. The likeliness of them encountering pornographic images is almost a statistical certainty. I don’t say that to evoke fear, but to encourage sobriety. What should you do when your children see pornography?

Show them Jesus.

They need to see the one who gives grace to those who sin and have been sinned against. Show them the one who bled and died and rose to supply forgiveness, help, healing, and hope for what sin seeks to steal. Create an atmosphere of grace in your home that points your children to Jesus, who rose to put shame to death.

Some time ago, a mother found pornographic sites in her daughter’s search history. Her heart sank and her eyes welled with tears. This was one of her worst nightmares. After a few prayerful moments, she knocked on her daughter’s bedroom door and sat beside her. She asked questions, and her daughter admitted that she’d heard her friends talking about something sexual, and she searched it several times. She admitted that she knew it was wrong. She wanted to talk to her parents but didn’t know how.

They cried together, prayed together, talked about what she had seen, answered questions, and agreed that time off devices would be wise for the next few weeks. Together they developed a plan to talk more, pray more, and read the Bible together more often.

Though temptation still lingered, the daughter and her parents fought the battle together. She also found strength to help other friends who had similar struggles. Through the situation, they discovered ways God uses Satan’s evil for eternal good (Genesis 50:20; Romans 8:28).

My prayer is that God will help us and our children lean into Jesus, who will give us the faith to persevere in a pornographic world.

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